Guilty as charged

Gah! Where does the time go? Last posting I said I was going to do all sorts of things like get pictures and stuff and then...nothing...since February. It does make me seem a little ineffectual. Good job nobody is relying on me to save the world. I had been chasing down the idiots who run the country to point out where they could save us all a few bob and, for the time being, I've let them get away. Anyway, now I'm back on the case. My first task is to point out to that twat Cameron and his feeble-minded associate Osborne (not to mention whipping-boy Clegg) that not to reply properly to my perfectly reasonable letters is very rude.

What a bunch of bankers

It seems my wizard wheeze to get the bailed-out banks to pay back what they owe the taxpayer might not be as straightforward as I had hoped. I never thought it would be easy, but it was based on a logical premise, in my view, and although I haven’t yet heard back from the PM or the Chancellor, things have taken a dodgy turn.

It turns out that some banks have given bucket-loads of cash to the Conservatives. Who’d have thought it? Banks supporting the Tories, whatever next? If someone gives money to a political party the obvious question is why? Small amounts from individuals can, I suppose, be regarded as a tangible form of ideological support. But large sums of money are rarely handed over to political parties without an expectation of some form of payback.

Whether the banks consider the money they “spent” with Cameron and his crew to be offering good value remains to be seen. Earlier this week, the Government announced Project Merlin (where do they get these fuck-witted names from?) which attempts to encourage more lending by banks while at the same time curbing bankers’ bonuses. Not convinced? Neither am I. What is it the amorously inclined gent said to his girlfriend? Something along the lines of “Don’t worry, I’ll only put it in an inch.”

PS I’m thinking of adding pictures and all sorts to this blog. Oh God, it’ll be marvellous – or something.

Oi! David Cameron, why don’t you just…?

Actually nothing rude, just a good idea, I think. I’ve been dreadfully dilatory of late and to make amends I’m bouncing back with a great plan to save the economy, avert the need for most (but probably not all) cuts and generally put a smile back on all our faces.

This idea of staggering genius is to get those banks which were bailed out by the UK taxpayer to pay back the many millions of pounds that saved them from disaster. And because I’m not proud or remotely egotistical, I’ve shared this idea with our Prime Minister. As well as sending David Cameron a letter containing my suggestion, I have also written with the same idea to George Osborne. As the saying goes, success has many fathers and I really won’t mind if they both claim credit for this idea.

And, of course, it’s not really my idea, is it? Because to be honest, wouldn’t we all expect any organisation that was saved with public money and which then went on to reward some of its senior staff with bonuses of truly breathtaking size to feel more than slightly obligated to paying back the public money? This is not some radical “all property is theft” notion, it’s common decency. It’s what a friend you’ve helped out with a few quid does when they get back on their feet. They pay you back and say thank you and while you shouldn’t offer help in the expectation of reward, it’s nice when you are thanked and know that what you did was appreciated.

Which brings me back to the banks, who not only filled their boots big time with taxpayers’ money, they threatened to leave these shores when there was talk of legislation being introduced to control some of the banking industry’s wilder excesses. It was almost a words-fail-me moment when I heard that, I was almost reduced to frothing at the mouth and biting the carpet. Not like me at all.

Anyway, now I’ve calmed down and have come up with the “idea of staggering genius” so all will be right with the world. As soon as I hear back from the PM and the Chancellor I’ll let you know, but surely it can only be a matter of time before they get the banks to pay us back…can’t it?

This floating voter is sinking fast

In recent months I might have given the impression that I didn't think it would be worth voting in the general election. I might have suggested that there was little point as all politicians are as bad as each other, only in it for what they can get, don't give a toss about the electorate etc etc. Well, I'd just like to clarify my position, but the trouble is I can't. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to determine why I should vote, for whom I will vote and what I hope this will achieve.

But, having said all that, I think we, the electorate, have two choices and one very important truth to absorb. So, the two voting choices are vote or don't vote. What? Did you think I was going to tell you who you should vote for or even who I would vote for? Do grow up. But what I mean by saying vote or don't vote is that it is something we should all do as one. Imagine if everyone entitled to vote just didn't. No slacker "I meant to vote, but forgot, got there too late, thought it was the next day". Just real intentional "I'm not giving any of you my support". But let's face it, that won't happen. So the only option is to get out there and vote. Cast your vote on whatever basis you like - political conviction or the candidate's nice smile or even sticking a pin in a bit of paper.

Having cast your vote, the important truth to take in is. . .it won't make a blind bit of difference. Sorry to disillusion you, but the grim reality is that we as a nation are in such a deep shithole that merely changing the political complexion of the government will have barely any effect. To be brutally frank much of the reason we are in such a dire situation is entirely down to us. Yes, politicians have played their part, particularly in allowing banks and big business to roam at will feeding off us as if they were monstrous parasites, but we have encouraged them because of our insatiable desire to have "things". As long as we've been able to go on buying and consuming we've not really cared too much about what's been going on and now we have no option but to pay attention. And what we are likely to see in the coming months and even years will not be pleasant.

I live in the Torridge and West Devon constituency, almost literally a stone's throw from the boundary with the North Devon constituency. They could be twins, deeply rural, low income, housing shortage, and virtually invisible to central government. That, I fear, does not depend on the party allegiance of the two seats' MPs. When we've had MPs of the ruling party it hasn't made the slightest difference. The sad fact is that we are peripheral (in sight of the end of the world, as it says at the top of this blog) and we have no clout, and politics is rarely about doing the best one can for everyone, but doing the best one can to keep yourself in power.

I am sorry, when I started writing it, this posting was intended to be quite whimsical, and that's how it would have turned out were it not for the fact that the more I think about this the more I think that as a nation we are in denial about our situation. We hanker after "change" but we are not ready to change ourselves. Sorry to sound so bleak. Roll on May the 6th.

You've got to admire their optimism

To Instow beach yesterday afternoon with the dog and while I accept it was a pleasant enough day it was hardly scorchio. So imagine my surprise - as they say in certain publications' readers' letters pages - when I spotted people just lying on the beach. Admittedly they were fully clothed, but it was obviously premeditated because they were on blankets. I have to say I do respect the British holidaymakers' boundless hope that things won't be too bad. No doubt they are all saying to each other "mustn't grumble".

Our would-be leaders are another bunch showing apparently inexhaustible optimism. They continue to prance around the country convinced of their right to our vote.  Of course this approach went seriously wrong for Gordon Brown when he managed to suggest that a random old lady was a bigot. Fleet Street's finest are now in meltdown about a "turning point" in the election which has doomed Labour's chances of gaining power. They may be right about Labour's chances, but I'm not so sure an unwise comment is necessarily what will do it. However, much of journalism turns on being able to create the general from the specific. One incident becomes an example for everything.

In any case, I'd be surprised if politicians didn't spend a lot of time slagging us off behind our backs. Let's face it, the electorate must be an awful nuisance for most politicians. I'm sure we, the voters, just simply don't understand the pressures and difficulties of being a talking arse. Having to go out and secure people's votes must be an awful chore, so much so that Peter Mandelson manages to occupy one of the most powerful roles in British politics and yet he's unelected. And the piles of festering ordure standing in my constituency seem to be adopting a policy of keeping a very low profile presumably in the hope that we'll inadvertently vote for them without first discovering that it would be more pleasant to get the clap than spend an hour in their company. Anyway, mustn't grumble.