Thursday 10 February 2011

What a bunch of bankers

It seems my wizard wheeze to get the bailed-out banks to pay back what they owe the taxpayer might not be as straightforward as I had hoped. I never thought it would be easy, but it was based on a logical premise, in my view, and although I haven’t yet heard back from the PM or the Chancellor, things have taken a dodgy turn.

It turns out that some banks have given bucket-loads of cash to the Conservatives. Who’d have thought it? Banks supporting the Tories, whatever next? If someone gives money to a political party the obvious question is why? Small amounts from individuals can, I suppose, be regarded as a tangible form of ideological support. But large sums of money are rarely handed over to political parties without an expectation of some form of payback.

Whether the banks consider the money they “spent” with Cameron and his crew to be offering good value remains to be seen. Earlier this week, the Government announced Project Merlin (where do they get these fuck-witted names from?) which attempts to encourage more lending by banks while at the same time curbing bankers’ bonuses. Not convinced? Neither am I. What is it the amorously inclined gent said to his girlfriend? Something along the lines of “Don’t worry, I’ll only put it in an inch.”

PS I’m thinking of adding pictures and all sorts to this blog. Oh God, it’ll be marvellous – or something.

Monday 7 February 2011

Oi! David Cameron, why don’t you just…?

Actually nothing rude, just a good idea, I think. I’ve been dreadfully dilatory of late and to make amends I’m bouncing back with a great plan to save the economy, avert the need for most (but probably not all) cuts and generally put a smile back on all our faces.

This idea of staggering genius is to get those banks which were bailed out by the UK taxpayer to pay back the many millions of pounds that saved them from disaster. And because I’m not proud or remotely egotistical, I’ve shared this idea with our Prime Minister. As well as sending David Cameron a letter containing my suggestion, I have also written with the same idea to George Osborne. As the saying goes, success has many fathers and I really won’t mind if they both claim credit for this idea.

And, of course, it’s not really my idea, is it? Because to be honest, wouldn’t we all expect any organisation that was saved with public money and which then went on to reward some of its senior staff with bonuses of truly breathtaking size to feel more than slightly obligated to paying back the public money? This is not some radical “all property is theft” notion, it’s common decency. It’s what a friend you’ve helped out with a few quid does when they get back on their feet. They pay you back and say thank you and while you shouldn’t offer help in the expectation of reward, it’s nice when you are thanked and know that what you did was appreciated.

Which brings me back to the banks, who not only filled their boots big time with taxpayers’ money, they threatened to leave these shores when there was talk of legislation being introduced to control some of the banking industry’s wilder excesses. It was almost a words-fail-me moment when I heard that, I was almost reduced to frothing at the mouth and biting the carpet. Not like me at all.

Anyway, now I’ve calmed down and have come up with the “idea of staggering genius” so all will be right with the world. As soon as I hear back from the PM and the Chancellor I’ll let you know, but surely it can only be a matter of time before they get the banks to pay us back…can’t it?